You and Your Paycheck

This is a public service announcement because I pay people for a living and it ain't always fun! Things you should know: 1) Death and Taxes - you know the saying...you can't get around 'em. No, I cannot pay your employees some mythical tax free bonus. Think for a minute...if I could do that, then EVERYONE would want to get paid that way ALL THE TIME. Right? 2) SUTA and FUTA are taxes. They are not Buddha's brothers. 3) I do not care how many allowances you claim on your W4. That's between you and the IRS. But if you claim 'EXEMPT', I will explain that to you. You won't like it, it's not good. Don't do it. In April you will call me and yell at me because I didn't take any taxes out of your check and you will want me to 'go back and fix that'. Now, Honey, if I had a time machine do you think I'd be sitting here? 4) Another note on that W4. You can't put a negative number in box #6 and get that amount added back into your check as a 'negative tax amount'. Nice try, tho. I like your style. 5) Yes, I'm brilliant, but I don't read minds. So, if you change your bank account, I don't magically know. Sorry. 6) I don't get to keep your tax deductions, insurance deductions or child support deductions. Again..would I be sitting here? And while we're talking about child support, when you call me and pretend you have no idea that you have a child, I don't believe you. I do, however say a prayer that you will never reproduce again. 7) I cannot make your check out to 'T-dog' if your name is Harold on your Social Security Card. Sorry, T-dog. 8) I've heard it all before. 9) Your Mexican Voter ID is not sufficient documentation to prove that you are an American citizen on your I9 form. I know...picky, picky. 10) Why have checked the 'Married' box and then listed your girlfriend as your emergency contact? Wait...I don't wanna know. 11) And about those Emergency Contacts? "John" with no phone number is not sufficient and '911' is funny, but this isn't a quiz.

Delusions of Sugar Plums Dance in My Head

I'm uncertain what it is about this time of year, but I always get delusional somewhere shortly after Thanksgiving. Maybe it's the beautiful Christmas displays in shop windows, maybe it's an overload of sugar lingering in my veins from the Pumpkin pie or maybe it's simply the arrival of cold weather that has frozen my brain. Whatever it is, it settles on me like an overnight dusting of Texas snow...it's CHRISTMAS DELUSION SYNDROME. I imagine myself about a week prior to the Christmas holiday, lounging on the couch in my black silk robe, sipping a cup of Kahlua spiked hot chocolate and admiring the festive surroundings of my holiday decorated (and clean) home while Christmas Carols play softly on the surround sound system. A fire is ablaze in the fireplace, the gifts are not only wrapped and under the tree, but properly tagged and within my set budget. I am leisurely leafing through a cookbook, deciding on what to lovingly create for the holiday meal. And even as I write this, I know it's insane. Oh, trust me...I know. But let me have my delusional perfection (did I mention that I look extremely thin and young as I am lounging on that couch?) because that dream? Probably not going to happen.

Secrets of Men at the Grocery Store-Revealed

As far as I can tell, men at the grocery store can basically be divided into three distinct categories. I have come to this conclusion because I spend an extraordinary amount of time there, let me tell you. All of the people at my local store know me, partly because my son works there and partly because they think I live back in a corner of the stockroom. Actually it may have been that big grape juice spill on aisle 10, but I digress. 1) Errand Boy for the Mrs. These men can easily be spotted by the cell phone glued to their ear and a wildy overwhelmed look in their eye. They have ventured into a strange land and are afraid to bring back the wrong thing. I've even seen one on the phone at the check out asking "Honey, paper or plastic?". I would categorize these men as more 'hunters' than 'gatherers'. 2) Lost Boys - These guys are lost, too, but instead of calling home, they ask random women at the store for directions. I have learned a lot about how people view me from these men and obviously, I look like a woman who knows where the Velveeta motherlode is kept. I've also been asked how to cook things and 'my wife sent me to get X, is this it?'. Being a good sport as well as a Grocery Goddess (Hell, I live there!), I always help them out. Kudos to them for asking directions. I know it's hard. 3. Man About Town - This man not only knows his way around the grocery store, but you can tell by the contents of his cart that he's got moves that put my cooking skills to shame. This, my Dear, is the man that you dream will say, "I would love to cook for you". The downside? He usually has another guy with him. BONUS GROCERY GUY: 'Mr. Friday Night' - He's a bonus category because he's like a super shopper special - only available for a limited time. I very rarely go to the store on Friday nights, but have had occasion to run by and pick up a few things. And I do mean 'pick up'. I had no idea, but apparantly (in my area) Friday night is Singles Night!! They're everywhere - nice looking men with shopping carts full of beer and frozen pizzas and that 'how YOU doin' look in their eyes. I counted once and had five guys said 'hello' to me. So, all you single ladies out there...now you know where they are. Get thee to a grocery store on a Friday evening! Since I'm happily married, I figured I'd pass this info on because I'm nice like that.

That's Italian!!

I'm not Italian and I don't even play one on tv, but I love Italian food. We often eat at a wonderful locally owned Italian restaurant, owned by a Kurdish family, so I don't cook as much Italian as I should. The basil in the backyard was once again begging to be harvested and I have a really good bottle of red wine that some friends gifted me, so I was inspired. By my herb garden and a bottle of wine. And THAT is what make me a real chef. (Yes, I know that I am farrrr from a chef, much less a real one AND my herb 'garden' is just really pots of herbs, but play along, please). So, today I made Roasted Garlic, Marinara Sauce and Pesto. I have previously posted the recipe for the Pesto, so let's get to the others. ROASTED GARLIC This is amazingly easy and delicious (my fave two things). All you need is heads of garlic and olive oil. Cut the tops off of the garlic and peel away most of the papery skin. Make sure you cut enough off the top so that the individual garlic cloves are exposed. Place each garlic head in the cup of a muffin tin and drizzle with a couple of tablespoons Olive Oil per head of garlic. Pour it on slowly so that it gets all down in between. Cover with foil and bake at 400 degrees for about 30 minutes. Let cool. Pop the cloves of garlic out. Mash and spread on bread or mash with butter and a little parsley and make Roasted Garlic Butter. Mix with sour cream as a topping for baked potatoes or use in pasta sauce. Delish! Jana's Marinara Sauce This sauce has a lovely consistency and is very inexpensive to make. This recipe makes about three dinners worth of sauce and freezes well. It tastes MUCH better and is cheaper than storebought. 3- 28 oz cans of Crushed Tomatoes 3- 6 oz cans of Tomato Paste 1/2 cup chopped fresh Parsley 3 teaspoons Salt (or to taste) 1 teaspoon Black Pepper 1 White Onion finely chopped 3 teaspoons Oregano 1/4 cup Olive Oil 1 cup White Wine 4 - 6 cloves minced Garlic (depending on how much Garlic you like. I like a lot) 1 Tablespoon Splenda 1 Bay Leaf 6 - 10 leaves of fresh Basil or 2 Tablespoons dried Basil In a small amount of Olive Oil, sautee the Garlic and Onion in a large pot until Onion turns translucent. Add the rest of the ingredients and simmer for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Let cool and store in the freezer in zip bags or Tupperware. I love to chiffonade Basil. First of all because it looks pretty, like green ribbons and secondly because it is a French word and it makes me feel all sexy. Here's how (this works with any leafy item, spinach, herbs, etc) Take about five leaves and stack them on top of each other. Now, roll the leaves up And slice ribbons! This is really a pretty garnish for Garlic bread or a Caprese Salad or anything Italian.

A Fabulous Adventure

Want some good reading? Check out my friend, Margaret's blog. http://www.flitflitter.com/ In her own words:

This blog is a collection of stories from my life as a nomad, flit flitting all over the world. For the past six years, I have been changing locations every two years. There’s no magic to that number; it’s just when I typically get the urge to pick up and see & do something new. Newspaper reporter in Virginia. English language teacher in Spain. Hotel manager in Mexico. I didn’t really start documenting any of it till my last stop in Mexico, though, which you can read about here, in the Notes series. Now I am back in the country and more on the move than ever as I try to visit as many Facebook friends as I can in a year, traveling throughout the U.S and Canada in my 1977 Toyota camper, Roxanne, with my dog, Rennie. It’s called The Facebook Project but that’s probably just a temporary name, and it started Aug. 16, 2010. If all goes well, it will end Aug. 16, 2011, and you will be able to follow my progress through my posts. If you want more background on the planning that preceded the actual journey, you might read Notes No. 65 and No. 76, as well as these pre-trip posts. I am hoping that by the end of it all, I have a more focused idea for a book but until then, I am just writing about my adventures as they happen and without much analysis. Feel free to comment as I go. Maybe together we can come up with a theme.

I find this experiment fascinating and enjoy 'going along' with Margaret to visit many out of the way places in her travels. She's witty, fun and an excellent writer and I think you'll enjoy her blog. I look forward to seeing Margaret when she travels through Texas! Rock on, Margaret! We miss you when we're on Isla!

Best Friend ~ Country Style!

My friend, Dale, and I have so much fun together. We are both 'artsy' and like to create things and we've even done a couple of ill fated art shows together. (It wasn't OUR fault that it rained/the temperature dropped 50 degrees/people didn't 'get' our art). We hang out at the pool in the summer and pretend to be on a tropical isle. We go to Watter's Creek and shop, drink and dine while scattering glitter throughout. We get together with our families and have Saturday night dinners. We laugh a lot. One of the weirdest things we do is talk 'country style'. You know, like hillbillies (which comes frighteningly natural to us both). She and her daughter and her sister started it and for some reason it really amuses us. So, you can imagine how excited I was last weekend when Dale presented me with the 'Best Country Style Friend' award. I should have had an acceptance speech ready, oh, I know I should've. But all I could do is laugh. And drink more moonshine. Love you, Dale (Country Style)!!!!!

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do?

They say that breaking up is hard to do. I disagree. Don't worry!!! I'm not talking about Mr. Wonderful! I'm talking about my acrylic nails. I was tired of them and I dumped them. 'Jana...why?', you ask. 'Don't you want to look well groomed and polished and well...isn't it the law in Texas, along with big hair?' Well, yes and no. Let me explain. I found someone new (or something). That better fits my needs. It's a nail polish that is like gel nails. There is no dremmel tool or filing of your natural nails at all. It's just brushed on in coats, like regular polish, but in between coats your hands go into the little blue light box that sets the gel. What you get is a very tough, durable coat of polish on your natural nails that won't chip. It has to be redone every 2-3 weeks (I'm betting I can go 3) and the nail salon has to use some sort of special remover to take it off, but there's no committment, no drilling. YAY!!!! My old nail salon didn't offer this, so I switched salons and I'm very happy. My nails look fabulous! And they are strong. Even after removing the acrylic nails, which you probably know, leaves your nails paper thin, my nails feel stronger than normal people's nails. And the cost is about the same as it is for acrylics. AND you actually get the nice relaxing manicure, with massage and all instead of the drill! It comes in all different colors - naturals, reds, pinks, darks...it's OPI! Here's a link for further research: http://www.opi.com/ choose 'hands/feet' on the tabs and drop down to 'Axxium' ** UPDATE: One week later, my nails still look fabulous! (And I've been making jewelry and painting shrines!) They haven't chipped or broken and I'm going to have to file them off a little because they are getting too long!!