This is a public service announcement because I pay people for a living and it ain't always fun!
Things you should know:
1) Death and Taxes - you know the saying...you can't get around 'em. No, I cannot pay your employees some mythical tax free bonus. Think for a minute...if I could do that, then EVERYONE would want to get paid that way ALL THE TIME. Right?
2) SUTA and FUTA are taxes. They are not Buddha's brothers.
3) I do not care how many allowances you claim on your W4. That's between you and the IRS. But if you claim 'EXEMPT', I will explain that to you. You won't like it, it's not good. Don't do it. In April you will call me and yell at me because I didn't take any taxes out of your check and you will want me to 'go back and fix that'. Now, Honey, if I had a time machine do you think I'd be sitting here?
4) Another note on that W4. You can't put a negative number in box #6 and get that amount added back into your check as a 'negative tax amount'. Nice try, tho. I like your style.
5) Yes, I'm brilliant, but I don't read minds. So, if you change your bank account, I don't magically know. Sorry.
6) I don't get to keep your tax deductions, insurance deductions or child support deductions. Again..would I be sitting here? And while we're talking about child support, when you call me and pretend you have no idea that you have a child, I don't believe you. I do, however say a prayer that you will never reproduce again.
7) I cannot make your check out to 'T-dog' if your name is Harold on your Social Security Card. Sorry, T-dog.
8) I've heard it all before.
9) Your Mexican Voter ID is not sufficient documentation to prove that you are an American citizen on your I9 form. I know...picky, picky.
10) Why have checked the 'Married' box and then listed your girlfriend as your emergency contact? Wait...I don't wanna know.
11) And about those Emergency Contacts? "John" with no phone number is not sufficient and '911' is funny, but this isn't a quiz.
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Tuesday, December 21, 2010
You and Your Paycheck
This is a public service announcement because I pay people for a living and it ain't always fun!
Things you should know:
1) Death and Taxes - you know the saying...you can't get around 'em. No, I cannot pay your employees some mythical tax free bonus. Think for a minute...if I could do that, then EVERYONE would want to get paid that way ALL THE TIME. Right?
2) SUTA and FUTA are taxes. They are not Buddha's brothers.
3) I do not care how many allowances you claim on your W4. That's between you and the IRS. But if you claim 'EXEMPT', I will explain that to you. You won't like it, it's not good. Don't do it. In April you will call me and yell at me because I didn't take any taxes out of your check and you will want me to 'go back and fix that'. Now, Honey, if I had a time machine do you think I'd be sitting here?
4) Another note on that W4. You can't put a negative number in box #6 and get that amount added back into your check as a 'negative tax amount'. Nice try, tho. I like your style.
5) Yes, I'm brilliant, but I don't read minds. So, if you change your bank account, I don't magically know. Sorry.
6) I don't get to keep your tax deductions, insurance deductions or child support deductions. Again..would I be sitting here? And while we're talking about child support, when you call me and pretend you have no idea that you have a child, I don't believe you. I do, however say a prayer that you will never reproduce again.
7) I cannot make your check out to 'T-dog' if your name is Harold on your Social Security Card. Sorry, T-dog.
8) I've heard it all before.
9) Your Mexican Voter ID is not sufficient documentation to prove that you are an American citizen on your I9 form. I know...picky, picky.
10) Why have checked the 'Married' box and then listed your girlfriend as your emergency contact? Wait...I don't wanna know.
11) And about those Emergency Contacts? "John" with no phone number is not sufficient and '911' is funny, but this isn't a quiz.
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2 comments:
I am saddened to say that I can relate to almost all of those tidbits, along with a few more.....idiots, they are all idiots....wait, did I say that out load?
Let's go have a margarita for lunch instead. I will meet you half way!!
Yes! And I must add that the guy who requested the negative tax deduction (and made a note saying "this will increase my net pay"- just so you won't think he just accidentally put a - in front of the number) was the vice president of a company and made well into 6 figures. As you can guess, he was NOT the Vice President of Common Sense. I did like talking to him on the phone because his voice sounded EXACTLY like the sexy drug lord on 'Weeds'. It's the little things that make me happy. Sometimes.
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