I thought parenting would be pretty easy. I'd seen it done on tv plenty of times. Oh, I had grandiose ideas of what I wouldn't do, but when it came right down to it, I had no idea the amount of energy and trickery this gig would take. I'm feeling generous today, so I thought I'd share with you my top five parenting tips.
1) This is the most important one. It is never referred to as 'The Ice Cream Truck', it is 'The Music Truck'. Yes, that's right...a truck that drives randomly around the neighborhood and plays music? Why, how lovely! This will work for approximately 4 - 5 years.
2) From a very young age, you must make your children believe that you have mystical powers. 'Hey, watch me blow on the red light and turn it green', 'Look at me - I can juggle two oranges!' The point here is to ingrain them with this, so later when they try to trick you, you just give them a look and say 'I know what you're up to'. Life is better when exhusbands and your children are just a tiny bit fearful of you, trust me on this one.
3) Put the kibash on teenage sex by showing them 80s horror movies and telling them that if they do have sex...they will obviously be the first one that Jason/Michael Myers/etc kills. It's a proven fact. Just watch the movies.
4) When they want you to take them somewhere...to a friend's house...to the mall...just tell them you can't drive because you're a little tipsy. This gets you out of chauffering them around plus it models excellent 'do not drink and drive' behavior. And then you can have a little glass of wine and you won't really be stretching the truth.
5) And last, but not least, make up stories about their Grandparents. 'Well, you know that Grandma and Grandpa were circus performers and we traveled a lot when I was young.' 'Your father's father was in prison. In fact, I think he was cellmates with Johnny Cash'. Stuff like that. Always add 'They don't like to talk about it'. This serves twofold to a) Make them a little bit in awe of the Grandparental Units and b) leave you plenty of room to use your circus upbringing/dad in prison as a reason for your bad behavior. Unlike them, with their picture perfect childhood and Mom that can juggle and a music truck and all.