My Top 5 Parenting Tips

I thought parenting would be pretty easy. I'd seen it done on tv plenty of times. Oh, I had grandiose ideas of what I wouldn't do, but when it came right down to it, I had no idea the amount of energy and trickery this gig would take. I'm feeling generous today, so I thought I'd share with you my top five parenting tips.

1) This is the most important one. It is never referred to as 'The Ice Cream Truck', it is 'The Music Truck'. Yes, that's right...a truck that drives randomly around the neighborhood and plays music? Why, how lovely! This will work for approximately 4 - 5 years.

2) From a very young age, you must make your children believe that you have mystical powers. 'Hey, watch me blow on the red light and turn it green', 'Look at me - I can juggle two oranges!' The point here is to ingrain them with this, so later when they try to trick you, you just give them a look and say 'I know what you're up to'. Life is better when exhusbands and your children are just a tiny bit fearful of you, trust me on this one.

3) Put the kibash on teenage sex by showing them 80s horror movies and telling them that if they do have sex...they will obviously be the first one that Jason/Michael Myers/etc kills. It's a proven fact. Just watch the movies.

4) When they want you to take them somewhere...to a friend's house...to the mall...just tell them you can't drive because you're a little tipsy. This gets you out of chauffering them around plus it models excellent 'do not drink and drive' behavior. And then you can have a little glass of wine and you won't really be stretching the truth.

5) And last, but not least, make up stories about their Grandparents. 'Well, you know that Grandma and Grandpa were circus performers and we traveled a lot when I was young.' 'Your father's father was in prison. In fact, I think he was cellmates with Johnny Cash'. Stuff like that. Always add 'They don't like to talk about it'. This serves twofold to a) Make them a little bit in awe of the Grandparental Units and b) leave you plenty of room to use your circus upbringing/dad in prison as a reason for your bad behavior. Unlike them, with their picture perfect childhood and Mom that can juggle and a music truck and all.

;)

Chocolate Strawberry Oasis Pie

Chocolate Strawberry Oasis Pie

From the movie 'Waitress'

“Just a pie?! It’s downright expert. A thing of beauty...how each flavor opens itself, one by one, like a chapter in a book. First, the flavor of an exotic spice hits you...just a hint of it...and then you get flooded with chocolate, dark and bittersweet like an old love affair. And finally strawberry. The way strawberry was always supposed to taste, but never knew how.”


This isn't a difficult pie to create, but it's not quick, either. Prepare to make a mess, but oh....it's heavenly.


Ingredients


For Chocolate Silk Filling

¼ cup unsalted butter

5 ounces bittersweet chocolate

16 ounce package mini marshmallows

1/3 cup whipping cream

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 teaspoons Chai Spice

To make Chai spice combine 2 tablespoons each of ginger, cloves, cinnamon and fennel and 1 tablespoon of cardamom in a small food processor or clean coffee grinder and grind smooth. Store in your spice pantry.



Strawberry Filling

2 cups strawberries, slightly crushed

1/3 cup sugar

1/3 cup water

4 tablespoons cornstarch

1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar

2 ½ cups strawberries halved if small or diced if large



Crust

2 cups crushed chocolate graham crackers

¼ cup brown sugar

6 tablespoons butter



Whipped Cream for garnish



Preheat oven to 350. In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt butter and sugar together. Slowly add graham cracker crumbs until combined and press into a pie plate. Use a spatula at first, but then you are going to need to get your hands down in there and get it packed in well. Bake for 10 minutes and then set aside to cool.



Chocolate filling:

In a saucepan over low heat, slowly melt the chocolate, chai spice and butter until smooth. Add vanilla and marshmallows a little at a time until they are all melted and the mixture is smooth. Add whipping cream. Refrigerate while making strawberry filling.



Strawberry filling:

Combine the cornstarch and water together in a small bowl. Whisk until smooth. In a medium saucepan, combine the crushed strawberries with the sugar until they start to get a little warm and juicy. Add cornstarch mixture and continue to cook over medium heat until it starts to thicken and bubble. Remove from heat and add vinegar. Cool for 15 minutes, then add the diced/halved strawberries. Cool to room temp.



Assembly:

Pour the chocolate filling into the crust and top with the strawberry filling. Refrigerate for at least two hours or overnight. Serve with fresh whipped cream.

Bad Baby Pie

'Bad Baby Pie'...also known as 'I Don't Want Earl's Baby Pie'. If you've never seen the movie Waitress, you should watch it. This recipe comes from the movie and it's one of my favorite films. Quirky and funny. And pie! In fact, go get the movie and make the pie for a lovely evening. I love dinner/movie combinations. Here are some ideas. Please feel free to add some.

Les Miserables- goes nicely with Coq au Vin and wine (everything goes nicely with wine!)
Mystic Pizza- Pizza. duh
Eat, Pray, Love - Spagetti, cannoli and some Indian take out. Go nuts. YOLO
Chocolat- Again, a no brainer. Lots of it. Chocolate cake, hot chocolate, fondue, etc
The Breakfast Club- bacon and eggs or waffles. Coffee with Bailey's
Steel Magnolias - Fried Chicken, mashed potatoes and Red Velvet Cake
Pretty In Pink - Go with an all pink buffet. Shrimp cocktail, pink cupcakes, watermelon, strawberries, pink lemonade, pink champagne. You can use food coloring to make pink hummus or mashed potatoes.
The Bucket List - French Fries topped with cheese, jalapenos, and gravy
Frida- Your favorite Mexican dish or 'make your own nachos bar'
Memoirs of a Geisha - Sushi
Unforgiven - Steak and potatoes You get the idea. And, although I stole this line from someone else's blog, it made me laugh, so I thought I'd share: “You know what they call The Hunger Games in France?” “BattleRoyale with cheese.”

Bad Baby Pie
Pie Crust (I use store bought...so sue me)
1 1/2 cups Smoked Virginia Ham (I bought 1/2 lb in the deli and had them cut it thick)-chopped
8 - 10 green onions- chopped
1 cup of brie cheese - cubed (I cut off the rind)
1 cup of Parmesan - shredded (real cheese, people. Buy a wedge and shred it yourself, I'm not playing around here)
2 Tbsp real butter
1 cup heavy cream
6 large eggs
1/4 tsp nutmeg fresh cracked black pepper

Bring refrigerated pie crust to room temperature (or make one from scratch. Showoff) and preheat oven to 400. Place crust in a pie plate and prick all over with a fork. Bake for 10 minutes. Reduce oven to 350.

Melt butter in a skillet and sauté the green onions until they are soft. Add chopped ham until it's slightly browned.

Whisk together eggs, cream and nutmeg.

Place onions and ham into crust. Follow with cubed brie cheese, then add the grated parmesan cheese. Pour the egg/cream mixture over evenly and finish with some fresh black pepper. I don't add salt to this and it didn't need any in my opinion. The ham adds plenty of salt. Place pie dish on a baking sheet and bake for 35 - 40 minutes or until a knife inserted comes out clean and it's not wobbly in the middle.

I served this with a salad and I have to say, I think this is the best quiche I've ever had. It's so gooey and cheesy. More 'Waitress' pies to come!

Make Your Own Chipotle Ketchup

Why on earth would I make my own ketchup, you ask. I know you're asking that because I would ask the same thing. But trust me.....(my eyes swirl and hypnotize you) Trussst me...There are things I would never try to cook. Lasagne - I've tried. It's hard and it falls apart and Stouffer's is good. Canned ANYTHING. Did you know that if you don't do it right, you can kill people with your canned food? Kill them!?! This is pressure I do not need. Frying things- too messy. If I want catfish, I'll go somewhere to get it. I don't often eat fried food anyway.

However, I'll give you three reasons to make you're own ketchup:

1) It just tastes so much better than store bought

2) You can make it with Splenda, thus eliminating some sugar (Don't get me wrong, I love sugar, but I prefer my sugar in delicious cake or cookie form, rather than drinking it or in things that can be sugar free and just as good)

3) You can add chipotle to it and God(dess) knows, if I could add chipotle to everything, I would.

And as an added bonus, it's super easy and you can impress your friends and family. Gnawing at the bit, now, aren't you??

Grab your whisk and away we go...

Chipotle Ketchup

6 ounce can of tomato paste

Apple Cider Vinegar

Splenda

Garlic Powder

Onion Powder

Sea Salt

Cloves

Pepper

Whisk the tomato paste with enough apple cider vinegar to get it to a ketchupy consistency (technical words...I know, don't let that scare you) Add two heaping tablespoons (approx) of Splenda and a pinch of cloves. Add garlic powder, onion powder, sea salt and pepper to taste.

Place the entire contents of a jar of chipotle peppers in adobo sauce in a food processer and whir until smooth. Keep this in your frig to add to everything. Cole Slaw dressing, eggs, bbq sauce, cream cheese, mayo, meatloaf, chili...seriously -- everything! Add a heaping tablespoon to the ketchup mixture and whisk.

Chipotle Ketchup is fantastic with steak fries or on a burger or hot dog. Enjoy!

Is Surreality a Word? A Week of Vegas and High School Reunion

I recently took a week off work and, well...you know me. Never one to sit at home and waste a day off with cleaning or actually doing something productive, I headed out on an adventure. The first part of the adventure was spent in fabulous Las Vegas with a couple of fabulous girlfriends (Catz and Pam) and then I flew straight from Vegas to my 30 year high school reunion in Tulsa. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Plus, my friend, Jimmie lives in Vegas half the year (working for the World Series of Poker) AND we went to high school together, so it was like doubling down. Or something like that.




Catz, Pam, and Me

 
When people find out you're going to Vegas, the first thing out of their mouths is 'Where are you staying?'. I am so over the Strip. I've stayed at Paris, MGM Grand, Mirage, Treasure Island (many times as I had  comped room there for about a year and a half for some unknown reason), Ceasar's, Bally's and I don't even remember where else. The sheer size of these places annoys me. I still like to visit them, but I hate coming 'home' to them at night (okay, early in the morning) and having to walk five miles to get to my room. Or having to pack a snack and a bottled water just to make the trek to the pool. I once walked from one resort to the one next door and it took 45 minutes. I feel the same way about large resorts anywhere. Too big, too impersonal. Give me a small boutique hotel or a b and b anytime.



Shrine in our room to Zula, my Voodoo Gambling Goddess (that's her with the pretty feather headdress in the middle) Offerings include stripper heel, WSOP laniard, chocolate Whipahol, beads, a cigarette, candles, tokens, an Altoid and ticket stubs.

 
I love downtown. I know it's not for everyone. It's kinda seedy and little weird, but then again isn't that what Vegas is all about?? Everyone on the Strip looks the same. Middle aged women in khaki or jean shorts, a tshirt, athletic shoes and a baseball cap. And just so you know, I call that the 'I've completely given up-middle aged woman uniform'. Yuck, yuck, yuck. It's like being at the mall at home, but with slot machines and packs of Asians. And, yes, the Bellagio is really pretty, but nobody freakin' smiles there. No one is having fun!!

But downtown? You can see people half dressed, people in fun costumes (and not just the ones that want you to tip them for a picture!) scary people, people who probably just escaped from prison and the hookers are much easier to spot. There are also some great restaurants and bars downtown. So, yes, I stay at a little tiny hotel/casino a block off Fremont Street called the Gold Spike (we lovingly call it the Crackwhore Casino of the Damned).

The staff at the Spike (who we know by name) is so helpful and nice and actually seem happy to have you there. As my friend, Catz says 'They look you in the eye and smile'. A man named Reverend (is that his real name?) makes some delicious food at the little diner (clean and great prices) and Joe is our bartender. LisaMarie is rockin' the front desk. We arrived super early in the day this time and were sitting in the bar having bloody breakfast and waiting to check in when Marchelina, one of the housekeepers, came by vaccuuming. We automatically lifted our feet for her to vacuum under and laughed about how we used to do that for our Moms. From then on, she was our best friend and had beach towels delivered to our room and anything else we needed.



Ms Catz chillin' in the pool

 
Okay, so the neighborhood isn't fancy, the elevators are slow and the hallway of the 6th floor reeked like potato chips and smoke, but the rooms are clean, the pool is nice and uncrowded and the price is so right, it's almost free. Seriously...$30 a night. No frig (buy a cooler down the block at Walgreens, Joe will fill it up each morning with ice), and no safes (don't bring any jewelry you aren't going to wear every day). Plan accordingly. I like the Spike. No judging. It's my blog, anyway.

I deffered to my professional photographer friend, Catz, to take pics this trip. I've been slacking lately on the pics, but I did get some fun ones of the Neon Boneyard. It's an outdoor museum of all of the old signs in Vegas. The tour takes about an hour and even at 10 am it's hotter than hell. You have to wear closed toed shoes due to gravel and possible broken glass and I suggest minimal clothing, an umbrella and a bottle of water. If you've won big the night before, possibly a pool boy to spritz you with Evian and fan you. It was definitely worth it -- very, very interesting and great photo ops.

Here's their link. You should go there next time you're in Vegas for something different
http://www.neonmuseum.org/



Old Gold Nugget sign. That is the nugget!



From Treasure Island

One of those Stardust stars would be fab in my living room!!!



Attack of the giant ducks!!!! Ugly Duckling Used Cars




Why, yes I am. Thanks for noticing.





Part of the Stardust sign




Aladdin's Lamp



The Silver Slipper. Rotated on a big pole like this one next door to the Desert Inn, where Howard Hughes was a recluse. He thought there was a camera in the shoe watching him.



From a pool hall. Mullett Man

Another highlight of the Vegas trip was seeing Santa Fe and the Fat City Horns at the Palms.

http://www.santafeandthefatcityhorns.com/

The best of the best Vegas musicians get together one night a week when they're off from their regular gigs with the big musical productions such as Jersey Boys and Phantom. They are incredible. Jaw dropping. As an added bonus, we got to sit in one of those lovely half circle banquette booths and sip cocktails. I could've listened to them for another two hours. Swankalicious.

And that's about all that I'm going to report on Vegas, because you know what they say. I did get to throw the dice in craps for the first time (and threw one clear off the f'ing table, much to the amusement of my friend, Jimmie), earned a nickname at Mermaid's casino - 'Berrynice'. See last year's Vegas blog for reference, partied and ziplined with Elvis down Fremont Street. And I have to say, if you don't have a friend who owns an Elvis suit and brings it to Vegas with her...well...you ain't livin'.



Unapologetic Vegas Randomness: Glow in the dark KISS themed mini golf, party room, gift shop and 'Hotter than Hell' Wedding Chapel. Wow.



That's me behind Catz (Elviz?) Pam in on the bottom left in the crowd taking pics





You've been a very naughty girl

 


Karma: Walking into a casino with your friend dressed as Elvis and two other friends and finding four open Elvis slot machines in a row.

 

From Vegas, I flew into Tulsa for my 30 year high school reunion. Let the surreality continue. I stayed with my parents and we feasted at some of my favorite places in town - Old School Bagels, Hideaway Pizza and The Wild Fork.

Yes, food is a very important part of vacation. If you don't agree, I just don't understand you.



Wild Fork Omelette with cheese grits and fruit. My Mom and I split this and couldn't even finish it.



Hideaway Pizza. Oh, Baby.

The reunion was lots of fun. Getting together with people I grew up with is both cool and surreal. It's a little like going back in time, especially since I don't live in Tulsa anymore and don't just randomly run into these people all the time. Everyone looked great and we had a blast. As far as I know, nobody got scandalously drunk or anything fun like that.( I would've totally videoed that for my blog, are you kidding? Wondering now why I didn't buy rounds of shots. Maybe I was just expecting a cocktail waitress to bring some by) I drove by the house I grew up in and had a Koolie from Quik Trip and my time travel trip was complete.





Tour of the school!!! This was pretty fun.



This is where we used to park in our high school lot, known as Bong Row, because the stoners parked there, too. Too...I said too. That's my Dad's car and he lets me drive it when I'm in town because he's nice like that.



Me and Laurie



Laurie, Me and Toni

 


Scott, Toni and Lolly

 




Toni, Laurie and Me. Laurie didn't even go to high school with us, but she is our perpetual party bud, so she joined in the fun, good sport that she is

 One more random thing about Vegas -- we got a little lost due to navigational error one day and ran upon this building. It's the Center for Brain Health designed by Frank Gehry. Pretty fantastic, even in the land of strange buildings.


Another fun adventure. Sometimes it's really great being me.

Limoncello - the Perfect Summer Cocktail

Limoncello is an Italian Lemon liqueur, mainly produced in Southern Italy (or in my kitchen). It tastes like sunshine. Limoncello is a perfect after dinner drink, served very chilled or over ice and it makes a bad ass addition to a lemon daquiri. I would also add a splash to a dirty martini, because I'm just fabulous like that.

10 Lemons

1 750 ml bottle of good quality Vodka

3 1/2 cups of water

2 cups of sugar

Seriously, just double the above, because you're going to want more than one batch.

Peel the lemons with a vegetable peeler (this is by far the most difficult part of the recipe and it will be worth it, I promise!) Peel ONLY the yellow part and try to get none of the white pith because that will make your Limoncello bitter like a bad teenage breakup. If you end up with some white on your peels, simply scrape it off with a small, sharp knife. Place the peels and the vodka in a large container (I used a suntea jar) and let it sit at room temperature for two weeks. I picked it up and swirled it around every couple of days, just because it was fun.

**NOTE: Don't waste those little nekkid peeled lemons! Juice them and add water and Splenda to taste and you will have some AWESOME lemonade. Vodka optional in this one.

After the two weeks, combine the sugar and water in a saucepan over medium heat until the sugar dissolves - about 5 minutes. Cool completely and add to the vodka mixture, stir and refrigerate overnight. Strain the peels out of the mixture and transfer to bottles that you can cork or seal. 

Old wine bottles with the labels removed work well, as do Lorena French Lemonada bottles or you can buy fancy ones at Pier 1, The Container Store or Hobby Lobby (makin' likka is MY hobby!)  Pier 1 has really pretty bottles like the one on the right in the pic and they're not too pricey.

Refrigerate or freeze until ready to use. Limoncello makes a great gift.  

Chipotle Honey Lime Roasted Chicken and Greek Roasted Chicken

Greek Roasted Chicken

Okay, I'll admit it....until recently I had never roasted a chicken. I know, I know, my Grandmother would roll over in her grave, but it just seemed pointless since buying a raw chicken and going to all that trouble costs only about a dollar less than an already cooked rotisserie chicken. Until I roasted my first one. OMG....moist...flavorful...delicious! Now I'm hooked. Here are two recipes that are wonderful (As if you had any doubts) You can easily roast two chickens on Sunday and have plenty of leftovers for the busy week. The Honey Lime Chipotle one is really good served in tortillas, also.



This is the gross part...you have to release the icky raw chicken from it's package (some people say wash it, some say don't bother, so I didn't bother) and then (hang on tight!)  you have to stick your hand up inside the cavity (EEEWW!!!!) and take out the scary and strange assortment of things that someone has stuffed up in there like some sort of crazy freakin' meat by product pinata. Seriously...this is disgusting. There is liver, a neck and God only knows what else in there. It really made me seriously reconsider my eschewing of med school because after that, I think I could totally rock being an Obstetrician.  Cut off any extra skin that is around the cavity (Plastic surgery, oh yeah...now I'm kinda getting into it)



Place the bird on a broiler pan with foil around the bottom and the top sprayed with Pam for easier clean up. Then season as directed in the recipes below. Baste? Ummm...I can't because all of the drippings are in the bottom of the broiler pan. So, save some of the marinade out in a seperate bowl and dilute with some wine/olive oil/broth for your basting needs. More on that later.

This is the finished Greek Chicken. Opa!!!!



Chipotle Honey Lime Roasted Chicken Ingredients

Ready to go in the oven

Ready to eat.

Greek Roasted Chicken

One Chicken (about 4 lbs)

Salt

Lemon Pepper

Thyme

Oregano

1 lemon

1/2 a yellow onion (cut in 4 pieces)

Olive Oil

8 cloves of garlic

Garlic Powder

After following the prep instructions above, you have your chicken on the broiler pan. Preheat your oven to 375. Pour a little Olive Oil in your hand and give the bird a little rub down. Then squeeze the lemon over and inside the bird. Stuff the used lemon halves, garlic cloves and the pieces of onion up into the cavity. That's right, I know..eww. Just do it.

Sprinkle the chicken generously with Oregano, Thyme, Garlic Powder, Lemon Pepper and a little Salt.

Place it in the oven - you will probably have to lower a rack.

Make a simple basting sauce of olive oil, wine, spices, and a little chicken broth or bouillon. Baste every 15 minutes until the last 45 minutes, then stop basting so the skin can get all nice and crispy. After cooking, let the chicken rest for about 10 minutes before carving. This is really good with rice and veggies and/or Caesar Salad.

Chipotle Honey Lime Roasted Chicken



One Chicken ( about 4 lbs)

1/2 cup Mayonaise

Splash of Olive Oil

Zest and Juice of 1 Lime (keep used lime halves)

4 Tbsp pureed Chipotles in Adobo sauce (puree the entire contents of the can)

Salt

Pepper

Honey (to taste - about 4 Tbsp)

Fresh Cilantro - some chopped some left on stems

Half a Yellow Onion - cut into four pieces

Prep chicken as directed above. In a large bowl whisk together the Mayo, Chipotle, Olive Oil, Lime Zest, Lime Juice, Honey and Salt and Pepper to taste. Reserve 1/4 cup of Mayo/Chipotle mixture in a seperate bowl. Brush non reserved Mayo/Chipotle mixture generously over and inside chicken. Sprinkle generously with chopped Cilantro. Stuff bird with used lime halves, Onion pieces and Cilantro on the stem.

To the reserved mixture, add a splash of white wine, some more olive oil and or some chicken broth. This will be used for basting. You remember basting? It's what we used to do with baby oil to our bodies when we laid out by the pool back in the 70s to get that 'savage' tan.

Bake at 375 for about 2 hours, basting every 15 minutes (careful not to wash off the cilantro) at first, but then don't baste the last 45 minutes.


My Grandmother would be proud!